Bobby Fischer was a good old boy

How Richard Pyle invented the game of chess-a-hol

Chess is a game, or a record label, and I think it is a type of pie, but mostly it is a game. Depending on who you believe it is between 1400 and 2200 years old, and the rules have been in continuous change throughout that time. One particularly alcoholic variation I recently discovered is called Chess-a-hol. I got the rules from The Campbell Report.

Chess-a-hol - (These rules were described on the local country station here in Southern California.) To play, all standard chess rules apply with the following additions and exceptions.

1. If you're going to move, and you must move, you have to drink a shot of beer to start your move.


2. If you touch a piece and choose not to move it, you have to drink a beer before you can move another piece.


3. If you touch your opponent's piece without taking it, or when you can't take it (without announcing adjusting), you have to drink it's contents (bartender will refill it so game can continue).


4. When a piece is captured, owner of lost piece must drink its contents.


5. When either side castles, a "Royal Toast" must be done by everyone (including spectators). A "Royal Toast" is a 6 oz. glass with 2 ounces Triple-sec, 2 ounces Grenadine, 1 oz Vodka, 1 oz Rum.


6. When checkmate occurs, the winner drinks the contents of the checkmated King; the loser drinks the contents of all pieces left on board.

Each piece's value
Pawns: shot glasses with shot of Schnapps
Rooks: shot glasses with Jägermeister
Knights: shot glasses with shot of Bourbon
Bishops: shot glasses with shot of Tequila
Queens: glasses with 2 oz. Vodka and 4 oz. Orange Juice (& ice)
Kings: glasses with 2 oz. Bacardi 151 proof Rum, 3 oz. Cola, 1 oz. Grenadine

The Story
Richard Pyle, or Rich Pyle as he is known in Nashville, is a country western singer who invented the game of chess-a-hol. And that is the reason the radio station was publicizing this variation of chess. Here is Rich's description of how he invented the game:

I think it was 'bout November last year when I invented chess-a-hol. My dog, Ol' Blue, and I were sitting on the back porch listening to the train whistles callin'. We'd drank our way through a fifth of Jim Beam, and Ol' Blue was howlin' for a sweet little retriever that used to come around. I was crying about my mama who was doing a spell up in Leavenworth. We was both startin' to wobble a bit, and I had been hittin' nothing but sour notes on my geetar for the past half hour when along comes a fine looking gal, and sweet as you please asks me if I got a chess set. Now I've been known for the occasional stroke of genius, like my first hit “John Deere, John Wayne, John Bobbit” with its famous lines:

I aint half the man big John Wayne was,
But I got me a new John Deere.
Now I'm twice the man I used to be
Thats-a-Four times John Bobbit
Now bring your sweet buns over here.

And my other big hit, “Up yours with a 2x4, I got a 4x4” had some real poetry:

Now math ain't never been my strong suit
But I learned enough to know
That take a 2x4 out of my 4x4
Just leaves my bad ass 4x4.

But I tell YOU, I really knocked this one out of the park. I told that gal to sit right down and commenced to set up the board. First, I whupped out my Buck knife and carved out an 8x8 grid right there on my ex-wife's favorite table. Next I set shot glasses on every square of the board and filled them up with whatever booze was left in the house. Finally, I explained to her with all the charm, enthusiasm, and coherence I could muster, the rules to chess-a-hol. This was all IM-pro-vised. She was tickled with the idea and we started playin'. Now I was at a slight disadvantage because I had only played chess once, and that was by accident so I didn't know the rules too well and before long that sweet gal was skunkin' me. As a result I was getting pretty drunk, but lucky for me a passing heeler and Ol' Blue started gettin' real friendly, and by that I mean Ol' Blue was a-goin' buck wild right there on the porch. Meanwhile that gal took her eyes off the game to say “Oh my god!” And I did the Ol' Switcheroo on her pawn formation. That left her with a zwischenzug that let me get ahead. She started to get tipsy and I used every trick in the book: I used deflections, decoys, sacrifices, forcing moves, and finally one of those devastating "Quiet moves" where I batted my eyes at her for a few minutes. Finally I got the pin. I telllll YOU. Ol' Blue and I were in fine feather that night. I'm working on a song about it. I call it “Willie and Waylon is Mate in Two” and it goes something like this:

Kasparov is Russian for
“A damn big can of whup ass.”
And Bobby Fischer was a good old boy
With an IQ higher than I can count
But there aint a thing can help you mate
Like good old Willie and Waylon songs.

References

• Rules of chess-a-hol


• Wikipedia on chess. All you need.