Squirrel death squad strikes in Russian village.
It has recently been reported by the BBC that a "Russian squirrel pack" has killed a dog. Don't believe it! This bit of sensationalism by the international press is just a well orchestrated smear campaign by some squirrel extremist groups. The main evidence for the entire story is in the eyewitness accounts of several "villagers". More likely these villagers were crusaders for the ASPS (Albino Squirrel Preservation Society) or Red Alert (A group of red squirrel loyalists) posing as villagers from the Russian town of Lazo. These kind of smear tactics are not uncommon by squirrel extremist groups. They use fear and intimidation to bully local media into running a story with some outrageous claim in the hopes that the publicity damages the reputation of other squirrel groups.
The statement given by these so called villagers is as follows:
A "big" stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked, reports say... "They literally gutted the dog,"
It is difficult to imagine that squirrels, even in large numbers, would be able to bring down a big dog. Maybe if there were a hundred squirrels who all jumped from the very highest branches at the same time they would be able to knock a big dog off its feet. The surprise of suddenly finding the air filled with kamakazi squirrels would probably cause creatures of any size to fall to the ground, but I'm pretty sure that recovery would be swift and flight even swifter. I know that when I'm in a full panic running from hundreds of squirrels that I posses supernatural strength and the ability to run directly over or through any obstacle I might find including forests, crowds of old women, and sheer cliffs. In any case I seriously doubt that squirrels are disciplined enough to carry out such highly coordinated attacks. I have never observed more than 2 squirrels doing anything together without the whole scene becoming a game of high flying grab ass. They would have to be some sort of squirrelly special forces unit: a crack brigade of the worlds most highly trained killer squirrels. Does such a brigade in fact exist? Perhaps. There are many things that exist in nature which cannot be explained, but even so, what were they doing in the park in Lazo? Wouldn't they be better off stealing tennis shoes from teenagers in central park?
Where were these villagers who witnessed this killing going? Were they going to church? Were they going home to beat their children after a long night of drinking moonshine? I don't know what kind of credibility these guys have. Chances are this was just a few wise guys who were blind drunk and saw a squirrel near the body of a dead dog. They ran and got local journalist (and village idiot) Anastasia Trubitsina and told her the biggest whopper in their lives just to see their names in the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper. Those lushes.
A Lazo man who called himself only Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year...
"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.
Why can't this fellow give his full name? Why does he know so much about the pinecone shortage? What does he have against the squirrels? What is his connection to the extremists and the squirrel death squad? I suspect his real name is Kaiser Soze, and this is just the beginning of some larger plot that is too tightly woven and profound for any of us to fathom. Squirrel extremists of the world, lay down your arms and join together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Let us build a world where squirrels of all kinds: the Texas Antelope Squirrel, the Thirteen lined Ground Squirrel, the Kuhl's Tree Squirrel can live together.
On the history of the squirrel
Clashes between various squirrel races have been on the rise for the past century. The roots of this animosity goes back to Sir Thomas Lipton. About the turn of the century on one of his frequent trips to America Lipton brought back a pair of North American grey squirrels. Squirrels were popular pets in those days and the novelty of the grey squirrel sparked a mass immigration. As they became commonplace their popularity waned and they were treated as second class squirrels, but despite the persecution, the population flourished. Now the grey squirrel population dwarfs that of the red squirrel in Europe. Still to this day red squirrels are given preferential treatment and although they have been there for generations, the grey squirrel is shunned by the red and white squirrel establishment. Red and white squirrel extremist groups will stop at nothing to further their goal of wiping out other types of squirrels (mostly grey and black). They want to precipitate a squirrel race war and establish a master race of squirrels that will dominate the world.
Squirrel facts
- Squirrel is the common name for rodents of the family Sciuridae (from Greek skia shadow and oura tail i.e. "tail that casts a shadow").
- A male is a buck. A female is a doe.
- Squirrels also nest; these nests are called dreys, which may also refer to a group of squirrels.
- The word squirrelled, meaning to have hidden items away, is arguably the longest one-syllable word in the English language
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